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Once upon a time in a land not so far away lived a young man not so different than you or
I. He was twenty-two and of sound body and mind. We will call the boy John and he was at
home on a Saturday night. John sat looking out his window to the streets below. They were filled
with people going to and from. John saw young men and women walking hand-in-hand with
smiles upon their faces. He could see their breath in the cool, fall air.
John sighed to himself and looked over at his phone. Nobody would be calling him this
night because his friends all had dates. "Oh," bewailed John, "what about me? Am I so horrid
that I am to sit alone?" He looked out the window again and clutched the windowsill. "Am I so
different from those below that I can not be one of them? Am I not to know the sweet laughter of
a woman? To feel her warm embrace or to hold her hand? Am I to sit here all my weekend nights
while listening to mom and dad watch Cops in the next room? Oh, cruel fate avenge me!"
Little did John know his prayer would be answered. For at that very moment Fate set
into motion events that would alter the mortal's life forever. Answered prayers come in many
shapes and John's came in the shape of a fat man in a Nascar T-shirt. But not just any fat man; it
was his fairy godfather.
John heard a knock at his door and answered it to find his savior floating in the hallway.
He was a middle-aged looking man barely floating off the ground with his fairy wings. He wore
beat-up shoes and blue jeans and was in need of a shave. Upon his head sat a Budweiser hat and
he carried a magic wand in his hand.
"Are you John?" the man asked with a Bronx accent.
"Yes, yes I am," John replied. "And you are?"
"I'm your fairy godfather, Ralph" The man bowed. "I've come to grant your wish."
"Sorry, but I asked for a woman."
"Yeah, I've come to help you with that, you half-wit."
"Really? You're to give me a woman? Oh, what joy! At long last my lonely nights will be over. I
will have a woman of my very own to take to the movies, take long walks with. Where is she?"
Ralph floated into the room. He was so heavy that his wings no longer gave him true
flight but only let him hover a foot off the ground at all times.
"Not so fast. I didn't say I was here to get you a woman, but to get you laid."
"I don't understand," John replied in shock. "I thought you came to grant me a girlfriend."
"Sorry, but I don't work miracles. Don't get me wrong kid, you're a good guy. And that's the
problem."
"Huh?"
"Look, you're a nice guy and a girl won't stay with you for long. You don't have it in your heart
to abuse or neglect a woman so therefore one won't stay with you. But I'm here to get you laid,
which in my opinion is better."
"I suppose you're right," John shrugged. "What must I do?"
"Nothing," Ralph smiled, "let me take care of that." He hovered over to John and tapped him on
the head with his magic wand. Magic dust of different colors burst forth from his wand upon
striking John's head.
"There. You are now irresistible to women."
"Now what?" John asked. He couldn't contain his smile.
"Go to work tomorrow at Megamart like you always do. You will be the center of attention. From
the sea of women that will drown you pick one you like the best. We will go from there."
"Thank you, Ralph. Surely there is something you want from me?"
"Whatever gave you that idea?" Ralph asked.
"Nothing is free and a gift of this sorts must require some kind of price."
"Don't worry about it. Just doing my job."
"What am I to give? My soul? Surely, I'm to give something.."
Ralph laughed out loud. "No, I'd want something useful.
"Now if you excuse me I must be off. Lockdown at the fairy prison is within the hour and if I'm
late they will send the fairy taser-guards after me again." And with a bow and a burp Ralph
hovered away leaving John with his glee. For soon the touch of a beautiful woman was to be his.
John awoke the next morning with a renewed vigor for life. He showered and put on his
uniform for work. He pulled into the Megamart parking lot and entered the huge corporate-owned
building before him. He took his place at his appointed station, which was selling TV's and other
electronic forms of entertainment. It wasn't long before some of his female co-workers began
talking to him, some even spending their lunch hour behind the counter with him. Before long he
had a fistful of phone numbers and all the paper barely fit into his pocket.
John got home that night and began sorting through the numbers. It was then that Ralph
knocked at his door.
"And how was your day?" Ralph asked with a smile.
"It was great! I got so many phone numbers."
"Good. Now go over and choose one."
John looked through the pile trying to find the number of any girl he considered
perfection. But just then his smile turned to a frown.
"What's wrong?"
"All these phone numbers are from minors! All these girls are 16 or 17!"
"So?"
"I'm over 18! This would be illegal. You put a spell on me that only lets minors notice me!
What kind of a joke is this?"
"Sorry kid, but my powers are just developing. But don't worry I'll still get you laid."
John sighed. He then saw a number for a 17 year old girl who we will call Beth. She was
to be 18 in a week.
"Here," John said with a smile returning. "I pick her. She will be 18 soon. I can wait until then."
"Sorry again kid, but you have to lay her before she is 18. In fact, you have to do it on the day
before her birthday before the clock strikes midnight."
"What? What kind of fairy godfather are you? What kind of a spell is that?" John shrieked.
"Hey, I didn't write that spell so don't blame me," Ralph said with an air of indignation. "I said I
was here to get you laid and that's that."
"Alright then," John sighed. "Now what?"
"Tell Beth you want to take her out for her birthday. We will go from there."
John did as he was told. The next Saturday night the two were to go on a date. Under
Ralph's spell Beth would be willing for sex. When John got home from work that Saturday
afternoon he found Ralph in his room waiting for him.
"Ready?" Ralph asked.
"Yes."
Ralph stood up and surveyed John. "Looks like you are wearing the clothes I instructed. Good."
John was wearing a cheap T-shirt, blue jeans and shoes that were on clearance at
Megamart. Ralph tapped him on the head with his magic wand and his clothes turned into an
Armani suit. His shoes changed appropriately as well. "Need to keep track of time too. Hold out
your wrist." John held out his wrist that had on the specific watch Ralph instructed. With a tap of
the magic wand, the Star Wars watch turned into a Rolex.
"Now for your ride," Ralph said.
The two went outside to the parking lot. "Place the pumpkin in the parking space," Ralph
instructed.
John did as he was told and Ralph tapped it with his magic wand. The pumpkin turned
into a new Lexus. Ralph handed John the keys. "Go forth and conquer, but do it before
midnight."
"What happens at midnight?"
"If you must know, everything reverts back to normal."
"What about the girl?"
"She will no longer desire you and instead be filled with disgust. That and the fact you are trying
to nail her on top of a squished pumpkin doesn't help."
"Alright, wish me luck!" John shouted.
"Make me proud!" Ralph yelled with a tear in his eye.
John sped off to pick up his date. The two had a typical first date of dinner and a movie.
Finally, the time was drawing near for John to make his move. He pulled into the parking lot
behind Megamart where nobody could see them. After a few minutes of obligatory small-talk the
two climbed in the back seat.
The couple laughed with excitement as they tore off their clothes and began to kiss. The
two were now completely nude and John was about to go for the kill.
Just then Beth's eyes widened in horror. "What are you doing?" she gasped. She smacked
John in the face. "What's going on?" John yelled. Just then everything reverted back to normal
just as Ralph said it would.
"Get off me, you pervert!" Beth yelled as she reached for her clothes. John looked down at his
watch, which read 12 A.M. "I don't get it," he said. "It was just 11:45 a few seconds ago…"
"Why the hell are we out here in the parking lot on top of this pumpkin?" Beth shrieked with
digust.
"I…umm…well…"
"Forget it!" Beth yelled. She picked up her clothes and began putting them on as she walked
away.
"Beth, wait!" John pleaded. "Please."
Beth ignored him and now took to a jog. John lowered his head and sighed. He knew he would
never hear the end of this.
John walked home that night carrying his pumpkin and wearing his Clearance! clothes.
The next day he got a call from Beth's parents. A few months later John was sentenced to prison
For attempting statutory rape. But through a twist of Fate a special request was sent asking that
John be sent to Fairy prison. John arrived and was given his cell. Across the hall he saw Ralph.
"Hey!" John yelled. "What happened? That Rolex you gave me had the wrong time. I was too
late in making my move!"
"Oh man, I'm sorry," Ralph said. "Wait a minute though…what kind of Star Wars watch did you
have?"
"It had C3PO on it."
Ralph shook his head. "Sorry kid, but that was it. I specifically told you to get one with Lando on
it."
"So?"
"Hey, spells are really picky when it comes to these things. You had the wrong kind of Star Wars
watch and it botched the spell."
John sighed and placed his head against the bars. "So close…"
"Cheer up," Ralph said. "Not only will you get plenty of "attention" here but you will also be
given a new mission in life."
****
Once upon a time in a land not so far away lived a young man not so different than you or
I. He was twenty-two and of sound body and mind. We will call the boy Adam and he was at
home on a Saturday night. Adam sat looking out his window to the streets below. They were
filled with people going to and from. Adam saw young men and women walking hand-in-hand
with smiles upon their faces. He could see their breath in the cool, fall air.
Adam sighed to himself and looked over at his phone. Nobody would be calling him this
night because his friends all had dates. "Oh," bewailed Adam, "what about me? Am I so horrid
that I am to sit alone?" He looked out the window again and clutched the windowsill. "Am I so
different from those below that I can not be one of them? Am I not to know the sweet laughter of
a woman? To feel her warm embrace or to hold her hand? Am I to sit here all my weekend nights
while listening to mom and dad watch Everybody Loves Raymond in the next room? Oh, cruel
fate avenge me!"
Just then Adam heard a knock at his door. He opened it to discover a young man with
fairy wings floating in his hallway. He wore old tennis shoes and blue jeans. He was wearing a
Metallica shirt and a cigarette dangled from his mouth.
"Are you Adam?"
"Yes, yes I am," Adam replied. "Who are you?"
"The name's John and I'm your fairy godcousin." John floated into the room. "Oh, and before I
forget, take this." He handed Adam a Star Wars watch with Lando on it.
"What's this for?" Adam asked.
"To keep your ass out of fairy prison."
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